First everything
by Falaheehoo
Summary: The year is 1984 in New York and most people live their lives as they always have. But in the darkness, young, beautiful men are starting to fade away and die. It is in this town where Connor & Oliver have lived together, all careless and free, until now. - Based on the swedish book series Don't ever wipe tears without gloves by Jonas Gardell -


"Oh you sure as hell know why I did it!" Connor shouted as he violently placed the plate he just had eaten dinner on in the sink.

Oliver placed his hands over his face and sighted. He hated fighting with Connor. He always tried to avoid it but sometimes it felt like Connor was doing his best to provoke him. And he can't blame him really, that's the worst part. Oliver and Connor had been a couple for four years, shared an apartment for two years and during these years have Connor not met Oliver's parents once. Not once. Even though they just live 15 minutes away. The reason behind that is simply that Oliver's parents doesn't know he is gay. After four years Oliver still hasn't told them that he shares bed with another man. It's not that he is ashamed of Connor, he loves him so much it hurts, but he loves his parents too and he don't want to lose them. Oliver grew up in an extremely religious family and his parents was extremely devoted in the Catholic church and in different volunteering which led to Oliver also spending a lot of time in church. He never complained about it, he actually really loved it. At least when he was younger and didn't understand what all the beautiful songs and the priest long speeches really meant. He was still very devoted in the church though. Even though he didn't believe much anymore. He did it to keep his parents satisfied. He lived a kind of double life. On one side, good and smart Catholic Oliver who was oh so devoted and never made his parents disappointed. On the other side, the outgoing young homosexual Ollie who went to gay clubs and nude beaches with his best friends and lived together with a beautiful man named Connor. These two Oliver's had to be separated at all costs, others wise the aftermaths would be disastrous. He knew that he couldn't go on forever like this, just as he knew that he was doomed the first time Connor ever kissed him. But he always pushed it in front of him. He always just wanted one more Sunday dinner with his parents where they hugged him and told him how proud they where of him. He knew that if he told them the truth there would probably never be another Sunday dinner again. So he kept on pretending.

And this was the reason why there was a fight going on and Oliver hated fighting with Connor. Connor had been out all night and came home at 7am drunk and with a phone number written in his hand. Oliver understood what he had been up to and had simply asked why, which he apparently "sure as hell knew".

Then there was silence.

"Sorry" Oliver ended up saying, even though Connor had been the one out all night. Connor turned around but still didn't look at Oliver. He sat down at their small kitchen table with him but still didn't look at him.

"You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm a nobody. I'm nobody in your life you're everything in mine."

"I'm so..."

"I know you are, but what about trying to do something about."

Oliver stayed silent.

"Or not" Connor said and then he quickly stood up and walked towards the door.

"Connor, don't leave" Oliver shouted the second before he closed the door and left the apartment. Oliver's stomach twisted. Connor was going to be back soon, he always came back.

His eyes where heavy as bricks and his head hurt so bad it felt like someone had hit him with a baseball bat. He wasn't sure where he was and when he opened his eyes he only saw a giant, hairy back. He wanted to cry. This was not how it was supposed to be. He had left their apartment furious last night and went to a bar that was known for all the older "straight" men that would probably fuck anything with a penis. He didn't really know why he did it, a part of him wanted to punish Oliver, another just did it all automatically. He's been through this so many times before, both after and before he met Oliver. He knew exactly how to act and what to look at to see if a guy was interested. Though he mostly wanted to drink tonight and after a few beers he had almost forgotten why he was so mad at Oliver and he had started to walk towards the exist to get home to their bed and Oliver's warm embrace. But he couldn't walk straight and a man, probably old enough to be his father, had caught him just before he was supposed to fall. He had not protested when the man drove him to his apartment and he had not protested when he started to undress him and he didn't make a sound when he fucked him. He was too tired, too sad, and too drunk to care. The clock was probably around 9am now and Connor only wanted to go home. He tried to be as quiet as possible when dressing and leaving the apartment. He really didn't want to wake the man and have to actually speak to him. When he got out on the pavement he realised that he was on the same street that Oliver's parents lived. A part if his mind started to play with the thought of what if he just knocked on their apartment and said "hello you don't know who I am but I'm fucking your son, we have lived together for two whole years. Have a good life, bye!" He would never do that though. Even though he really wanted him to come out, he knew that it had to be Oliver's decision. So he went home.

He picked up the mail in their mailbox and went up to their apartment. Quietly he walked into the "bedroom" (it was really just the part of their one room apartment where the bed was placed). Oliver was still asleep. Connor loved watching Oliver sleep. He looked so relaxed for once, like he didn't have anything to worry about. Because when Oliver was awake he worried about everything there was to worry about. His health, Connors health, bills, works, whether it would rain or not. Connor smiled at his sleeping boyfriend and then walked into the kitchen and placed the mail on the kitchen table. One letter caught his eye. "New York hospital queens" the envelope said. He felt a twist in his stomach, he knew exactly what that letter was, and he really didn't want to open it but he knew he had to know. After taking a few deep breaths he sat down and read it.

"So you're back" he heard Oliver making his way into the kitchen.

"Am I allowed to ask where you've been?" He heard what his boyfriend was asking but he couldn't understand. All he saw was the black letters on the paper that was now melting together and didn't make sense. Nothing made sense.

"Connor?" Oliver's concerned voice woke him up and he probably gave him one of his sad puppy eyes, without meaning to. Then he cleared his throat and started to read the letter out loud.

"Hello 9836-10 you visited us and made an anonymous HIV-test on the 7/6. We are sad to have to tell you that the test came back positive, which means that you're infected. We have scheduled an appointment for you the 5/7 at 1pm. Best regards, Dr. Richard Swine"

Connor started to laugh.

"Swine, his name is Swine? Isn't that hilarious?" Oliver made a sudden movement ran towards the door and left. He could hear Olivers running footsteps in the staircase and then there was silence. Connor was alone and his laughter slowly went over to quiet sobbing.

Oliver ran. At first he wasn't sure where, he just had to get out. But when he saw the subway station he knew exactly what he had to do. He ran down the stairs even though he had no idea when the next train would come. He tried to calm down when he waited on the platform but he felt like he couldn't stop his racing pulse. The train was packed when it arrived so Oliver had to stand. It was a mixture of tourists and people on the way to work and Oliver thought of how clueless they all where. None of them knew how Oliver's whole world just had started to tumble.  
Connor and Oliver had met on a party over 4 years ago. Oliver got invited by a man that worked in the same store that he was volunteering in. The man, who's name was Fred, was always dressed in cowboy boots and a Bandana and he pretty much never stopped talking. Oliver had followed him outside during a break to get some air and Fred wanted to smoke. Fred had tried to convince Oliver to come to the party all day but Oliver had said no.

"Come one Sweetie, it'll only be guys like us there it'll be terrific!"

"Guys like us?" Oliver had asked.

"Oh you know, fags, gays, homosexuals"

"I'm not gay" Oliver had said, a bit too quickly for it to sound relevant. Fred had just smiled.

"Just come, okay?"

And after a lot of hesitating he had ended up going. He tried to convince himself that he did it to revolt against his parents, but he knew that he did it to maybe, finally find a place where he belonged. That Saturday night in late December in 1982 ended up being the best night of his life. Connor was the first person he saw when he entered the apartment. He was sitting in a chair by himself smoking and looking quite lost. He had dark, short hair and dark beard that followed his jaw line and that probably would look weird on anyone else but it fitted him perfectly. There was something sad about him and Oliver couldn't take his eyes of him. It wasn't that much of a party really. It was just Fred, Oliver, Connor and 7 other misfits that Fred had met in all kind if places. Connor, for example, met Fred in a park in the middle of the night where he had been trying to find a hook up and Fred had taken him under his wings instead.

"Did you guys know that Oliver is a devoted Catholic?" Fred suddenly said during the dinner. Oliver gave him a cold stare. This was really not something he wanted to be known for. But Connor found it fascinating.

"Really? How does that work? I mean you're gay right?" He asked and looked at him wondering.

"Yeah and no it doesn't really work. You have to choose"

"And have you chosen?" A man called Will with a very obvious Texas accent asked.

"I'm sitting here right?" Oliver answered that with.

Later that night when Connor was about to leave, Oliver decided to leave as well. When they went out on the street Connor asked what direction he was going to go.

"Same as you" Oliver answered, almost shocked at his own bravely. Connor had smiled and they made their way down the road together, hand in hand. It was one of these magical nights. The sky was clear, stars where out and the snow was shimmering. This was the night that Connor became Oliver's first everything. First kiss, first sex and later, first boyfriend. This was what Oliver was thinking of while he travelled the well know distance on the subway. He did not think about how his whole life was falling apart and how he was about to do it even worse. He thought of Connors lips the first time he ever got to kiss them and how kissing them made his whole body shiver. He thought of their first night together and how Connor had comforted him when he started crying after losing his virginity. He thought it was extremely embarrassing but Connor had not seemed to mind. He thought of how they had talked for hours afterwards and how he told Connor things about himself he had never told anyone. He thought of what a lucky man he was to have Connor to love and how he would do anything for him. How he really was about to do anything for him.

When the train arrived at the station Oliver started it run again. He ran up the stairs, across the street and into the house that he was so familiar with. He ran up the stairs in the apartment building . One floor, two floor and three floor. Then he knocked on the door of the first apartment to the left. The door went open and his mother stood in front of him.

"I homsshechul" he was so out of breath that he couldn't say a single understandable word.

"Pardon? Please come in sweetie" his mother let him in and he took some deep breaths. He looked up and saw his mother giving him her warm, sweet smile. But not even that smile could stop him this time.

"I'm homosexual"


End file.
